I like robots (giant and human-sized),Homestuck, Doctor Who, nice jackets, and many other things. I have an interest in law, gender, and other such important things that I dilute with reblogged cat pictures and things that probably only I find funny. This is mostly a reblog/feels blog. To see my artwork, I would direct you to my Tegaki E, or my art blog (I also reblog resources on the latter)
I swear I don't bite, and am probably safe to talk to.
I'm SplitFrame on Flightrising
People who struggle interpersonally, who seem unhappy, or who get into a lot of conflicts are often advised to adopt the approach of Nonviolent Communication.
This is often not a good idea. Nonviolent Communication is an approach based on refraining from seeming to judge others, and instead expressing everything in terms of your own feelings. For instance, instead of “Don’t be such an inconsiderate jerk about leaving your clothes around”, you’d say “When you leave your clothing around, I feel disrespected.”. That approach is useful in situations in which people basically want to treat each other well but have trouble doing so because they don’t understand one another’s needs and feelings. In every other type of situation, the ideology and methodology of Nonviolent Communication can make things much worse.
Nonviolent Communication can be particularly harmful to marginalized people or abuse survivors. It can also teach powerful people to abuse their power more than they had previously, and to feel good about doing so. Non-Violent Communication has strategies that can be helpful in some situations, but it also teaches a lot of anti-skills that can undermine the ability to survive and fight injustice and abuse.
For marginalized or abused people, being judgmental is a necessary survival skill. Sometimes it’s not enough to say “when you call me slurs, I feel humiliated” - particularly if the other person doesn’t care about hurting you or actually wants to hurt you. Sometimes you have to say “The word you called me is a slur. It’s not ok to call me slurs. Stop.” Or “If you call me that again, I’m leaving.” Sometimes you have to say to yourself “I’m ok, they’re mean.” All of those things are judgments, and it’s important to be judgmental in those ways.
You can’t protect yourself from people who mean you harm without judging them. Nonviolent Communication works when people are hurting each other by accident; it only works when everyone means well. It doesn’t have responses that work when people are hurting others on purpose or without caring about damage they do. Which, if you’re marginalized or abused, happens several times a day. NVC does not have a framework for acknowledging this or responding to it.
In order to protect yourself from people who mean you harm, you have to see yourself as having the right to judge that someone is hurting you. You also have to be able to unilaterally set boundaries, even when your boundaries are upsetting to other people. Nonviolent Communication culture can teach you that whenever others are upset with you, you’re doing something wrong and should change what you do in order to meet the needs of others better. That’s a major anti-skill. People need to be able to decide things for themselves even when others are upset.
Further, NVC places a dangerous degree of emphasis on using a very specific kind of language and tone. NVC culture often judges people less on the content of what they’re saying than how they are saying it. Abusers and cluelessly powerful people are usually much better at using NVC language than people who are actively being hurt. When you’re just messing with someone’s head or protecting your own right to mess with their head, it’s easy to phrase things correctly. When someone is abusing you and you’re trying to explain what’s wrong, and you’re actively terrified, it’s much, much harder to phrase things in I-statements that take an acceptable tone.
Further, there is *always* a way to take issue with the way someone phrased something. It’s really easy to make something that’s really about shutting someone up look like a concern about the way they’re using language, or advice on how to communicate better. Every group I’ve seen that valued this type of language highly ended up nitpicking the language of the least popular person in the group as a way of shutting them up.
tl;dr Be careful with Nonviolent Communication. It has some merits, but it is not the complete solution to conflict or communication that it presents itself as. If you have certain common problems, NVC is dangerous.
I wish they’d just send me my orientation stuff already, so I can make plans to see aprtments. I’ve got like a month to move, no roommate discussions started, no places called and just kajdhsiahshaksjshdha
Moving 2 hours away is hard when you’re still trying to work as much as possible and you have to move for a reason like school that has it’s own time tables.
It’s really starting to get to me, along with the fact my schedule looks like it’s going to be utter shite.
"why do you like floral prints so much" because i’m not a person. secretly i’m just a mass of bees. trying to blend in with humans. unable to let go of my love of flowers
Does anybody live near Brockport, or will be attending SUNY Brockport fall 2014? It would be really cool to meet some people before moving, so I might be able to have some sort of social life. Even if you’re like ‘no, this person won’t care’, or ’ I’m too scared to message anybody’ , PLEASE DO IT!
Even if you’re like ‘yo, so, I have a friend who lives up there’ please communicate that to me, as it would be SO helpful, I don’t think you even know.
let’s talk. about sharpening tines, grafting breaks, boring holes for piercings, carving the names of serendipitous quads so that centuries of sweeps later even when you can’t remember faces you can reach up and read their names with your fingertips.
YOU are going straight to jail. The jail of my heart.
I think it’s fair to describe trolls as intensely social (they just value antagonistic socialization as much as benevolent socialization) and I always thought it was fitting and hilarious that the war-like race of utilitarian conquest has an entire romantic designation devoted to emotional intimacy and cuddling and grooming, etc.
So I think, for as All About The Murder as trolls pretend to be, you can guarantee there is an entire cultural background and industry around this kind of interpersonal maintenance moirails do for each other. So much that a partner’s horns are probably just as well a symbol of how much attention they’re getting in that quadrant, (or how rich they are.) Horn polishing, smoothing down the wiry peelings or chips, fussing to each other about how symmetrical one pair may or may not be. “They’re lopsided, I swear!” “Honey, that’s normal. And you can’t even tell.”
And carving!! Yes. Names, spirals, sigils. You could probably inlay them with some sort of colored paste that hardens. And oh no, horn cosmetics. For when the red bases just aren’t red enough.
This got more into generalized horn things but damn.
Aradia and Karkat having awkward conversations about the thick purple swirls and curliques slowly working their way up Tavros’s horns, about the dots and slashes in lowblood bronze that are (so far) still hidden beneath Gamzee’s knotted curls. Aradia offering to procure a set of falsies for Karkat — it won’t be too hard! There’s a brisk market in skulls of their age and finding one with a good rack that could be removed and the bases hollowed out to fit over Karkat’s nubs wouldn’t be expensive, just time-consuming! Equius sitting so still, muscles trembling as Nepeta gently, so gently works the cast open, inspecting the status of regrowth, checking for fresh cracks or splinters.
Violet-blooded youngsters who don’t quite have the right horn shape or sign to claim the ancestors they wish they could, but their blood color is just close enough that with a little reshaping, a little wrapping of wire and casts, their horns could be coaxed to grow and shape differently over time — stealing the ancestor’s legacy of a rival they know to be dead, to get a leg up when the time comes for sending up to the fleet. Pairs separated on conscription, carving their names into each others’ horns and swearing to find each other again, after sweeps have passed.
Boring holes to fit rings carved out of bone and keratin, set with stones in quadrantmates’ blood colors. Thin gold chains wrapped around their horns for so many sweeps that now they cannot be removed, because the horns have grown around and over them. Clear varnish over carvings stained with the blood of one’s kismesis. Sharpened tines with colored lacquer in the shade of one’s enemy, a bravo’s declaration of murderous intent.
Nepeta’s account swells fatter than Equius’s during drone season, she’s the fleet’s best-kept secret when it comes to painting and gilding your horns to attract fills for your empty quadrants; she consults with Kanaya on abstract designs and patterns but prefers to tackle representational requests herself.
And so on, and so on, and so on…
I did not get a chance to reblog this before I left for class but I’m doing it now, because it’s probably one of my favorite contributions anybody’s ever made to one of my posts. I am blessed.